Not Letting The Past Rob My Present

I have been wanting to share an amazing secret with you...

I am expecting a baby! 10 weeks along with a due date of June 13th. I have been wanting to share this with you for some time. But I waited. I waited until the doctor confirmed the pregnancy.

I waited until my 9 week sonogram - a routine for me because of our history of miscarriage - when I could see the heartbeat, hear the heartbeat and smile as the technician said everything looked perfect. Perfect. She actually said perfect.


And yet, I still waited. I found myself hesitant to share the wonderful news. Why?

Because I know there are so many who are praying for life to take hold in their womb. Because of our history - because I'm the Mother of the Miscarriage.

The unnamed.

The forgotten.

The unacknowledged.

And it hurts. A past miscarriage can taint the joy of even a normal pregnancy. It can leave you hyper vigilant and fearful of every symptom or lack thereof.

Estimates say one in every four pregnancies end in miscarriage, 25%. My miscarriage rate is 50%. We have had two healthy, wonderful babies. We've also lost two. Early losses at 12 weeks and 8 weeks, but losses the same.

Blessedly early - I didn't have to birth a breathless baby.

Bitterly early - I didn't get to birth and hold a breathless baby.

And I wonder, with this blessed pregnancy, will our rate rise to 60% or fall to 40%? Strange thoughts I know. But this is the aftermath of being the Mother of the Miscarriage.

Are you also a Mother of the Miscarriage?

Don't let anyone tell you you aren't a mother. You are. You've held life, no matter how short a time. You are a mother. And though losing that baby hurt, in time you will find you were blessed in other ways.

You are a mother.

You were chosen.

A vessel to deliver souls to heaven.

And though you didn't get to know your baby here on earth, your baby knows you.

I take great comfort in the fact that when I enter heaven those two lost babies will be there to greet me - whole, in all their glory and so much wiser than I because they have had more time at the feet of Jesus.

To those whose arms ache because they never held their little one - you will hold one another in heaven.

To those whose spirit aches because they chose to abort their baby for health or convenience - the Lord forgives and your child is waiting to love on you in heaven.

To those who are haunted by the cries of babies born too early or unwell - they were not crying in pain, they were crying from the sadness of having to leave you behind, and joy in knowing you will one day be reunited.

I send love to all those Mothers of the Miscarriage. And I dance with joy over the life inside me. I will cherish every moment, whether they be long term or fleeting. Because every moment is a blessing.