Parenting is often called a thankless job. And in many ways it is. But at the end of the day you have a child that usually tells you they love you and calls you 'Mom'.For me, there's an extra level of thanklessness that goes with parenting someone else's children.
Now please don't take this the wrong way, I love having Tony and Billy here, I would be heartbroken if they left. They are wonderful kids! And I hope they stay here forever...well at least until graduation. I'm just sharing from the heart.
My problem is that I feel like I'm battling a ghost. And while I know this isn't truly the case and I try not to show this to the kids...it hurts.
Billy is very resistant to hugs or affection of any kind from me. Me only. He will hug my husband, the other boys, his dad, his sisters...anyone really. But he will go out of his way to display that he doesn't want affection from me.
Last week I gave him a one-armed hug while telling him "good job". He wrestled out of my grasp saying "I'm not hugging you! But I'll hug Shane." and proceeded to give my husband a bear hug. I just smirked and shrugged it off and I think I 'jokingly' called him a stinker, which made him laugh.
I know why he does this. He's loyal to his mama. His blood. And that's okay. But it still hurts.
I don't want to do anything to tread on that sacred relationship. No one really takes the place of the mama in a child's heart-and I don't want to take that place. I want his relationship with his mother to flourish.
But I want him to feel safe enough to let me into his heart too. I want him to want to hug me. And to say something other than a smartly stated "Thanks, I guess" when I tell him I love him.
I love him dearly but it's hard sometimes, battling the 'ghost of mama'. A mama, who until recently only saw them one week a year and talked to them sporadically (though in her defense it wasn't all her fault). A mama for whom I set the boys up with Facebook and Skype accounts, for whom I've reminded the boys to call at least once a week, for whom I've had the boys send birthday cards...
It's a thankless job. But I hope that one day I will see the fruit of my labors. That one day Billy will feel free to hug me and love me AND have a close relationship with his real mama. And if I don't get to see the fruit of my labors I hope Billy still gets to experience them.
I tip my hat to all foster and adoptive parents. I have a whole new respect for you. May God bless your efforts 100 fold!
You know, his being loyal to his mom in that way--shunning you--actually shows how much he loves you. I don't know for sure without actually knowing *him* of course, but it sounds like he really is identifying with you as a mother-figure and it's hard for him to admit. If he didn't see you in that role--if he just saw you as a teacher or a care-giver--he might be a little less uncomfortable. Strong feelings are hard, and he is at an age where all that stuff gets confused anyway. Maybe you should take it as a good sign that you're doing a good job for him.
ReplyDeleteI might just be talking, here. I really don't know much about these things, but I hope it gets better for you!
I can so relate. For the last ten years, I have been the Mama to my step-daughter while her Mom galavants around here and there. I've been the steady support, the love, the dedication. A month ago, my step-daughter went to her Mom's house and we haven't heard from her despite our calls. It rips my heart out. I never wanted to replace her Mom, but I was thrust into that position, now I have to sit and wonder what is going on with this girl that I love. My Mama-bear instincts aren't any less there because she's not my biological child. (Incedentally, she never let me show physical affection either.) Prayers going up for you, I'd love it if you every think to pray for our girl, Nico. Miss her like crazy.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your relationship with your brothers-in-law, particularly Billy. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteWow... good job hanging in there and BLESS you! Really, may God bless you abundantly for doing what He has already told you to do in His Word!
ReplyDeleteJanet
What a lovely honest post. And I can so imagine your feelings in this...
ReplyDeleteBut I guess Cindy here is right... he does love you, he just isn't able to show you. And he's a teenager anyway... I still remember that phase being the most complicated of my whole life so far. So he might be just confused with life in general. And with the new role his mum has been playing in his life lately (thanks to you!). And you are in a new role as well. I'm sure that in the long run he *will* let you know how he feels...
Take care and keep up the good work. I'm so proud of you parenting this family!
(((Hugs))) What a blessing your are to them. I think deep down, he's dying to hug you. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's only about his bio mom, but here's my assvice for the day. Please remember I don't even know Billy. You do.
ReplyDeleteTo me, this screams of attachment issues. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it (but, I'm gonna point out that maybe this is preparing you for a future of fostering?). This typically happens, the rejection I mean, to the primary caregiver which is you because Shane works and you home school and take care of most other stuff. It is a defensive mechanism of sorts. Attachment issues are serious though and I encourage you to read up on the topic and maybe even seek out a therapist who is VERY experienced in dealing with children who have attachment and loss/trauma issues. Therapist who aren't experienced can do more harm than good.
Shane is going to need to be on board and to always, ALWAYS validate you and validate that this is happening to you (the rejection) because kids who do this tend to triangulate a lot.
Sounds like you are on the right track with staying calm, being funny, and not letting Billy see how it bothers you. Also keep hugging him, or trying to. Be consistent / reliable / with routines (you know the opposite of what he has had in his life). Spend one on one time with him. If he doesn't have food issues, then try bonding with food (with younger kids, you can even go back to bottle feeding and rocking to sleep). Prepare meals together. Go out to eat together sans other kidlets. You can reach him, it'll take time though. And, he will probably get angry at you before accepting you.
With that said, I think you're doing an amazing job and don't give yourself enough credit. You Cheryl are a good Mama!
xoxo
Cindy - Thank you, I hadn't thought of it that way! That makes me feel better.
ReplyDeleteMichelle - I'm so sorry for your experience, I will add you guys to my prayer list. (Hugs)
Kris, Janet, Cessie and Stef - Thanks so much for the encouragement! I truly, whole heartedly appreciate it.
Mothering4Money - I was hoping you would give your assvice :) I know you have lots of experience with this. I never would have made the attachment connection, though I know he has attachment issues because of other things-like playing dumb. I'll email you for some book recommendations.
I know they will appreciate you as they view life as an adult.
ReplyDeleteNot sure of the whole history but I do hope you can get them into counseling. My mom moved out when my brother was 12, and though she was still present in our lives, my brother has built a 30 year history of bondlessness with women (five wives). I believe much of it stems from his perceived abandonment and distrust.
Every situation is different but along with the FABULOUS job you are doing, those boys are going to need something you can't give.
Keep your head to the grind and know you are doing the "right" thing. They will not depart from your teaching as they grow! Much love and many blessings.
LOL Cheryl. Thanks. Here's one of my posts where I was dealing with the rejection issue. Keep on keeping on. xoxo
ReplyDeleteCheryl,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are doing a great job. When you stop trying he will think you don't care about him. He may just be sensitive to hugs from you, too (its a teen thing). Sometimes bonding with him in a different way helps, mothering4money had some great advice. Try high-fives occasionally to show him you care and encourage him.
Hello!Beautiful blog!
ReplyDeleteThe title of your post caught my attention. I had my 14-year-old nephew here for the summer. He wasn't affectionate either, but sometimes followed me around like a puppy. Two months is long enough to get attached, so it was hard when he left. And didn't look back. And No thank-yous from him or his parents.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to open your heart up to someone and not get much back. One of the previous posts mentioned attachment issues and I'm pretty sure that was involved in my situation.
The thing I kept telling myself and I would advise you to is that it's important to do the right thing whether anything comes back or not. That the young ones under our care are children and thereby entitled to a childhood (line from Raising Helen) and God is asking us to love them unconditionally. And, yes that might hurt, and the outcome may not be what we like, but we'll know that we did the right thing.
Blessings on you for opening your home and heart and sharing the measure of stability you've been blessed with.
((((hugs)))) I raised my nephew for my brother who just left him at my house and moved to Arizona. I often felt the same way as you. Now that he is an adult, I can tell you that it will work out. He will be grateful that you loved him enough to take him in. He will show it in many ways. Until then, take comfort that you are doing God's work.
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