Today we needed to either renew our insurance policy (which has maternity coverage) or cancel it and get less expensive insurance (without maternity) because the insurance provided through Shane's work is outrageously expensive with poor coverage. So, with tears streaming down my face, I made the call.
I'm trying to look at the positives. No more children means I can:
Get rid of all the baby stuff cluttering my basement
Continue to eat and drink whatever I want
Get out of nursing bras once Bram is weaned
Not have to wear another maternity outfit
But it's difficult. Each point is bittersweet. It just seems so unfair. We are blessed with fertility when others have to fight for it, as well as easy pregnancies and uncomplicated deliveries. But God is in control. He has a plan. I will do my best not to fight it.
It is such a difficult decision! We had decided to be done, and then when our youngest got to be around two, I was especially heartbroken by our decision. I was angry about it. Now that we have kids ranging from 5 - 10, I'm okay with it. Every so often, I still think, "I wish we had one more," but mostly not. But, it really was difficult to come to grips with it.
ReplyDeleteI understand the quandry. I would love more babies, but hubby is done, and frankly after my last miscarriage, I'm pretty sure I'm done physically, but that doesn't change the desire.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the God work.
I'm sorry. I'm praying for your peace in this decision. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThank you all for the encouragement and prayers. I keep praying for God to help me align my heart with His will and He is. I'm feeling better. Of course I'm also praying that if we've heard Him incorrectly and are not following His plan, that he will work a miracle by overcoming our preventatives :) I'm placing it in his hands and doing my best to move on with a happy heart.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteOh I SO understand! Our youngest two were adopted through foster care, because I can't have any more (hysterectomy). We were done after the last one. Until 2 yeras ago D2's bio mom had another baby and she wanted her placed with us. And we had pictures. And she was gorgeous. It was an entire MONTH of emotional upheaval before we finally decided that we really, truly ARE done. We have 2 rounds of kids, Round 1 ranges 15-21yrs, and Round 2 are the boys, now 9 & 7. We just gone done with 6 nonstop years of diapers, 4 of which was also potty training. And we really are done, but it doesn't take away the overhwelming feelings I get when I hold a newborn baby. Hang in there. The Lord will bless your obedience.
ReplyDeletesending lots of hugs!! I'm right there with you on the fertility thing (though I have terrible births -- all cesareans). But health issues have made us stop at three, which is not what I had in mind when I envisioned my future.... Even now, when cancer has made it perfectly clear that we cannot have any more kids, I have a hard time letting go of the idea.... though it does get easier.... I admit that it is nice being able to go out and not worry about a babysitter!
ReplyDelete